


Pilot: The Party

by 98_Percent_Insane



Series: Meteormates [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Funny, Multi, No Sex, Pesterlog, Screenplay/Script Format, Sitcom, Sloppy Makeouts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 10:37:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5245178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/98_Percent_Insane/pseuds/98_Percent_Insane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, a while ago I was thinking, "You know, I would pay cash money for a sitcom about the meteor crew's adventures on their journey." So I made one myself. Hope you enjoy</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cold Open

**Author's Note:**

> This could technically be considered an AU, since it includes things from both the current Alpha Timeline and the Pre-Retcon Timeline

COLD OPEN

 

SCENE A: KARKAT'S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON? 

 

KARKAT sits in his room on the meteor. He begins typing on his computer

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board KARKAT'S LOG.

CCG: OKAY, LET ME START OFF BY SAYING THAT THIS LOG WAS NOT MY IDEA. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE'S DOING ONE OF THEIR OWN, SO I MIGHT AS WELL GO ALONG WITH IT.

CCG: IT'S BEEN ABOUT A WEEK SINCE THE HUMANS ARRIVED ON OUR METEOR AND WE SET OFF FOR THE NEW SESSION

CCG: THINGS HAVE BEEN... OKAY. I GUESS.

CCG: WE HAVEN'T REALLY INTERACTED THAT MUCH APART FROM THAT WHOLE DEBACLE AT THE BEGINNING WITH JOHN'S ASININE MESSAGE AND THE *SHUDDER* BUCKET. WE'VE MAINLY JUST STAYED SEPARATED IN OUR TWO INDIVIDUAL SPECIES GROUPS.

CCG: THAT'S JUST FINE BY ME. SERIOUSLY, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE TWO HUMANS THAT JUST SETS ME OFF. ESPECIALLY DAVE. AND NOT BECAUSE OF HIM AND TEREZI. THAT'S TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 48:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT.

CCG: GOD DAMMIT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

FCG: I JUST CAME TO WARN YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

CCG: YOU HAVE ROUGHLY THREE SECONDS BEFORE I BAN YOUR ASS, SO MAKE IT QUICK

FCG: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE VRISKA'S ADVICE. IF YOU DO, THE NEXT 48 HOURS WILL BE AN ETERNAL HELL FROM WHICH THE ONLY ESCAPE IS THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH.

FCG: THEN AGAIN, IF YOU DON'T TAKE VRISKA'S ADVICE IT WOULD JUST CREATE A DOOMED TIMELINE, SO YOU KIND OF HAVE TO DO IT.

FCG: SO, I GUESS JUST IGNORE WHAT I JUST SAID.

CCG: ARE YOU FINISHED?

FCG: OH! I NEED TO TELL YOU ONE MORE THING!

CCG: DON'T CARE.

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo

CCG: GREAT. NOW THAT THAT'S OVER, I THINK I'LL GO SEE WHAT THE OTHERS ARE DOING. UNTIL NEXT TIME.

CCG closed memo

KARKAT is about to get up, but stops, looking annoyed with himself, and opens his computer back up

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist RIGHT NOW opened memo on board KARKAT'S LOG

CCG: FUCK! WHY DID I END IT LIKE THAT?

END OF COLD OPEN


	2. Act One

ACT ONE

 

SCENE B: COMPUTER ROOM - AFTERNOON?

KARKAT enters via Transportalizer. KANAYA is standing in a corner of the room sipping coffee. There is a vile of Troll blood on the counter next to her, a coffee machine by the back wall, and a potted flower, a rose specifically, on the counter as well

KARKAT: WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT COFFEE?

KANAYA: (POINTS TO THE COFFEE MACHINE) Vriska Found A Coffee Machine

KARKAT: THINK I COULD HAVE SOME OF THAT? I DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP LAST NIGHT. MY BLOCK IS RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE DAVE IS SLEEPING. HE SCREAMS IN HIS SLEEP.

KANAYA: Sure. Help Yourself

KARKAT takes the coffee and takes a long sip, only to instantly spit it out, coughing and hacking

KARKAT: OH, GOD! THAT'S VILE!

KANAYA: Well I Did Add Something To It

KARKAT: WAS IT CINNAMON? I CAN'T STAND CINNAMON.

KANAYA: Yes (SHE STEALTHILY GRABS THE BLOOD VIAL AND HIDES IT BEHIND HER BACK) It Was Cinnamon

KARKAT: (WIPES HIS MOUTH IN DISGUST AND NOTICES THE FLOWER POT) WHAT'S THAT?

KANAYA: I Just Thought The Room Could Use An Aesthetic Touch

KARKAT: OH, DEAR GOD...

KANAYA: A Carpet Would Have Been Better But I Didn't Have The Right Materials To Alchemize One

KARKAT: KANAYA, I SWEAR TO GOD, YOUR OBSESSION WITH MAKING THINGS LOOK PRETTY…

KANAYA: (LOOKING AT THE ROSE) I Like Pretty Things

The shot focuses on KANAYA and the rose for a second until VRISKA enters via Transportalizer

VRISKA: What's up, 8itches?

KARKAT: HEY, VRISKA, HAVE YOU SEEN TEREZI ANYWHERE?

VRISKA: Not since this morning. Actually, can we even call it morning? There’s no sun in Paradox Space, and time here is as wacky as Equius around a horse dick.

KARKAT: CAN WE… CAN WE NOT DO THIS AGAIN TODAY?

VRISKA: 8ut can we even call it “today?”

KARKAT: OY… DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE COULD BE? I NEED TO TALK TO HER.

VRISKA: Ooooooooh. Planning on a little redrom action, are we? If you are, can I watch?

KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR TEREZI, RED OR OTHERWISE. I JUST WANT TO… TALK.

KANAYA: About Redrom

KARKAT: AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE A GIGANTIC CRUSH ON A HUMAN!

KANAYA: (BLUSHING TERRIBLY) Thats Nothing To Be Ashamed Of

KARKAT: OR AN OVERRATED HUMAN CELEBRITY!

VRISKA: Shut your fucking mouth!!!!!!!! Nicolas Cage is a treasure!

KANAYA: Would You Say Hes A “National Treasure?”

KARKAT and VRISKA stare at her with looks of complete disappointment

KARKAT: I’M NOT GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE. NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO FIND TEREZI.

VRISKA: She’s pro8a8ly off with Dave.

KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHE’D NEVER DO THAT!

TEREZI enters via Transportalizer

TEREZI: H3Y, GUYS.

KARKAT: HEY, WHERE WERE YOU?

TEREZI: 1 W4S H4NG1NG OUT W1TH D4V3 4ND TH3 M4YOR.

VRISKA: (QUIETLY IN A SING-SONGY VOICE TO KARKAT) Told you.

KARKAT: (IMITATING HER) SHUT UP!

TEREZI: H4V3 YOU GUYS M3T TH3 M4YOR Y3T? TH4T L1TTL3 GUY 1S AW3SOM3!

KARKAT: TEREZI, HOW CAN YOU BE HANGING OUT WITH ONE OF THE HUMANS? THEY’RE JUST SO WEIRD! EVERY TIME I INTERACT WITH ROSE I FEEL LIKE SHE’S TRYING TO LOOK INTO MY MIND AND FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES ME TICK!

TEREZI: SH3’S A S33R. 1T’S WH4T W3 DO.

KARKAT: STILL! AND DAVE IS EVEN WORSE! HE WON’T STOP COVERING ALL MY STUFF WITH PICTURES OF HUMAN GENITALIA! I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT WAKING UP WITH PENISES DRAWN ALL OVER MY FACE!

TEREZI: K4RK4T, YOU R34LLY SHOULDN’T JUDG3 TH3M B3FOR3 G3TT1NG TO KNOW TH3M.

KARKAT: WE LITERALLY WATCHED THEIR ENTIRE LIVES ON COMPUTERS! I’VE SEEN DAVE DO THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO TEAR MY GLANCE NUGGETS OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS AND SET THEM ON FIRE! I THINK I KNOW THEM WELL ENOUGH!

TEREZI: 1 M34N W3 N33D TO GET B3TT3R 4CQU41NT3D W1TH OUR NEW H1V3M4T3S.

KANAYA: Dont You Mean Our Meteromates?

A wacky sound effect plays, indicating the reference to the show’s title

 

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

VRISKA: Ignore it. I have an idea. Why don’t we throw them a traditional Alternian welcome party?

KANAYA: I Dont Think They Would Enjoy That. Alternian Welcome Parties Can Get Intense. Remember The One We Threw When We Let Eridan Into Our Group?

A short scene plays. ERIDAN is opening a gift presented to him by TEREZI. THE OTHER TROLLS, no more than ten years (4.62 Sweeps) old at this time, all stand around him watching. He opens the gift, which contains a large, bear-like Lusus that roars as ERIDAN screams in terror. The original scene then resumes

VRISKA: (SING-SONGY) There could 8e Snogfoot.

KANAYA: (BLUSHING) Snogfoot?

VRISKA: (SUGGESTIVELY) You know what happens when two people get caught under Snogfoot, don’t you? Two people, like, say… You and Rose.

KANAYA: Im In

KARKAT: REALLY? THAT’S ALL IT TAKES? A SLIGHT CHANCE TO MAKE OUT WITH A HUMAN? THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA!

TEREZI: W3 PROB4BLY WOULDN’T B3 4BL3 TO H4V3 4 LOT OF TH3 S4M3 FOOD L1K3 ON 4LT3RN14. 1 DOUBT TH3 HUM4NS WOULD L1K3 MOST OF 1T. W3 COULD ST1LL H4V3 COTTON C4NDY 4T L34ST.

KARKAT: ARE YOU MORONS NOT LISTENING TO ME?

VRISKA: Maybe we could search for human recipes on the internet.

KARKAT: AM I INVISIBLE OR SOMETHING? DO YOU GUYS EVEN SEE ME?

TEREZI: 1 DON’T.

VRISKA: Karkat, think a8out it. This is the perfect way to get 8ack at Dave for his dick art.

KARKAT: IT IS?

TEREZI: W41T. NOW 1’M TH1NK1NG TH1S 1SN’T SUCH 4 GOOD 1D34.

VRISKA: Totally. I mean, we can’t kill him. He’s immortal. 8ut what’s a good Alternian welcome party without a little maiming, huh?

KARKAT: HMM. A FAIR POINT. (HE CONSIDERS THIS NEW INFORMATION) YEAH. SCREW FUTURE ME! LET’S DO THIS! (HE GRABS KANAYA’S COFFEE AGAIN AND RAISES THE CUP

IN A TOAST) TO HORRIBLY INJURING DAVE STRIDER! (HE TAKES A DRINK, THEN SPITS IT OUT AGAIN IN

DISGUST) AW, FUCK! WHY DID I DO THAT AGAIN?

CUT TO

SCENE C: LIBRARY - THE NEXT MORNING?

DAVE is standing at his turntables with the MAYOR, recording a new series of raps. ROSE is sitting at another table reading a large tome with a large pile of even larger books surrounding her. She is currently not in the shot, as the shot is focused on DAVE’S ill beats

DAVE: yo yo check it out

d. stride’s in the house and he came for some fun

theres no way to escape dont even try to run

cause my raps are too fast you cant escape the traps

that my lyrics have set but maybe perhaps

you could try steppin to my level

start prepping yourself cause youre looking disheveled

you got no skill and no class so you can go on to hell

youd better start running cause im tolling your bell

ROSE: Dave, you’re using the word toll wrong. Also, you’re misquoting John Donne’s famous poem. The correct phrasing is… Actually, it might be better if I just recite the whole poem. “No man is an island…”

DAVE makes a fart noise by blowing into his hands

DAVE: rose youre interrupting my ill beat session and the only reason anyone should do that is if theyre either on fire, about to offer me a primo bottle of aj, or both. now are you on fire?

ROSE: (SIGHS) No, Dave.

DAVE: do you have a bottle of aj primo or otherwise?

ROSE: Not on my person.

DAVE: alrighty then. kick it mayor

(HE RETURNS TO HIS BEATS)

yeah im spittin and submittin

these ill fires theyre burning

so hot that--

ROSE throws a particularly large tome at his head, nailing him right between the eyes and knocking him over

DAVE (CONT.): ow! (HE GETS UP, RUBBING HIS FOREHEAD) what the fuck rose??

ROSE: Dave, you’re interrupting my research. Why don’t you go “spit” your “ill beats” somewhere else?

DAVE: because this is the only place the trolls dont hang out

The MAYOR nods

ROSE: Why does that matter?

DAVE: i dont know. its just… theyre aliens rose! were living with aliens! you dont find that weird?

ROSE: Your mayor friend is an alien. You don’t find him weird.

DAVE: the mayor is different. he is an interesting, lovable, awesome little dude and you need to show him more respect. seriously though you dont find living with the trolls even a little bit weird?

ROSE: On the contrary; I find it fascinating. I think this could be a really interesting opportunity for all of us to learn more about the respective cultures of our individual species. You don’t think we should get to know our new housemates more?

DAVE: you mean our meteormates?

The same sound effect that played earlier plays

DAVE (CONT.): what the fuck was that?

ROSE: Ignore it. Look, Dave, like it or not, we’re sharing a house… (SHE CATCHES HERSELF) A meteor with them. We’re going to have to learn to accept each other.

DAVE: okay i see your point. counterproposal: we dont

ROSE: Dave.

DAVE: hey im right about this. right mayor?

The MAYOR nods

DAVE: see? the mayor agrees with me

ROSE: Dave, the Mayor agrees with everything. Hey, Mayor, do you want me to slit your throat in your sleep tonight?

The MAYOR nods

ROSE (CONT.): See?

DAVE: im still right

Two pings are heard. Both of them check their phones

ROSE: Huh. I just got an invitation to join a message board on Pesterchum.

DAVE: me too. “fruity rainbow asshole meteor party.” the fuck?

They both open the message board

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board FRUITY RAINBOW ASSHOLE METEOR PARTY

CCG: GREETINGS, ASSHOLE HUMANS. WE, THE SUPERIOR SPECIES, HAVE CHOSEN TO INVITE YOU TO A WELCOME PARTY BEING THROWN IN YOUR “HONOR” TONIGHT IN THE MAIN COMPUTER ROOM. PLEASE COME.

CCG: OR DON’T. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo

GC: K4RK4T, DON’T B3 RUD3. ROS3, D4V3, W3’R3 THROW1NG 4 P4RTY TO W3LCOM3 YOU TO OUR M3T3OR. W3’D R34LLY 4PPR3C1AT3 1T 1F YOU SHOW3D UP

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo

CTG: yeeeeeah i dont think so

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo

CTT: Thank you for the offer, but I still have some research to do tonight.

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo

CGA: Thats Too Bad

CGA: We Were Really Hoping To Get To Know You Better

CCG: I WASN’T.

CTT: Really? Well… I suppose I could put off my research for just one night.

CTT: We’ll be there.

CTG: whoa wait rose

CTG: didnt you say that you me and the mayor were going to do a thing at exactly the same time as their lame-ass sounding party?

CTT: Oh, you mean the thing at the place?

CTG: yep

CTT: Yeah, that thing was cancelled.

CTG: damn it rose

CTG: fine

CTG: well come to your dumb party

CGA: Excellent

CCG: WHOOP-DEE-FUCKING-DOO

CGC: W3’LL S33 YOU TH3R3

SCENE D: CENTRAL TRANSPORTALIZER HUB - LATER THAT AFTERNOON?

ROSE and DAVE transportalize in from the library

DAVE: this is going to be hell

ROSE: Dave, stop saying things like that. For all we know, this party could actually be really fun.

They transportalize to the computer room

SCENE E: COMPUTER ROOM - AFTERNOON?

ROSE and DAVE enter via Transportalizer, and are visibly shocked by what they see. One of the mutant experiments from the meteor’s labs in chained to the floor and is thrashing angrily, multiple disgusting-looking “foods” and wrapped presents, one of which is growling, sit atop a table in the back, and the Trolls are all wearing party hats standing together under a banner that reads “WELCOME MORONS” in KARKAT’S grey text. The word “MORONS” is crossed out with the word “FR13NDS” written instead in TEREZI’S teal text

TEREZI, KANAYA, AND VRISKA: Welcome!

KARKAT blows half-heartedly on a party horn

DAVE: there is no way were getting out of here alive

END OF ACT ONE

 


	3. Act Two

ACT TWO

 

SCENE F: COMPUTER ROOM - AFTERNOON?

ROSE and DAVE still stand shocked on the Transportalizer staring at the hodgepodge of weirdness in front of them

DAVE: (WHISPERING TO ROSE) if we leave now no one would blame us

ROSE: Shh! Hello, everyone. This is a… Really neat party you have here.

VRISKA: Thanks. It was all my idea.

DAVE: (QUIETLY) great. we have someone to blame

ROSE: Shh! Thank you so much for making us feel welcome. I’m afraid we don’t know what sort of customs are involved in Alternian parties, so just tell us what we have to do.

KARKAT: WELL, FOR STARTERS, THE PARTY CAN’T OFFICIALLY BEGIN UNTIL ONE OF YOU MANAGES TO SLAY THE RAGING HOOFBEAST OF HONOR. SINCE WE DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO AN ACTUAL HOOFBEAST, WE JUST GRABBED ONE OF THE MUTANTS FROM THE LAB. (HE UNCHAINS THE EXPERIMENT) HEADS UP, DAVE.

DAVE: wait what?

The experiment shoots lasers from its eyes, disintegrating DAVE on the spot. He instantly comes back to life, but is very pissed

DAVE (CONT.): dude what the fu--

The experiment charges DAVE and tramples him, leaving him on the floor in immense pain

ROSE: I got this.

She equips her QUILLS OF ECHIDNA and flies off to fight the experiment. The sounds of their epic battle are heard throughout the next part of the scene. TEREZI goes over to check on DAVE

TEREZI: H3Y. YOU OK4Y?

DAVE: (STILL IN PAIN) grammy is that you?

TEREZI: (HELPS HIM UP) SORRY 4BOUT TH4T. 1 TR13D TO CONV1NC3 K4RK4T NOT TO 1NCLUD3 THE HOOFB34ST OF HONOR 1N TH3 P4RTY PL4NS.

DAVE: figures that was his idea

TEREZI: F41R W4RN1NG: DON’T OP3N TH3 G1FTS ON THE T4BL3. MOST OF TH3M 4R3 F1LL3D W1TH BOMBS.

DAVE: man the parties on your planet are fucked up!

TEREZI: W3 C4N ST1LL H4V3 FUN, THOUGH. K4RK4T 4ND 1 SP3NT 4 F3W HOURS ONL1N3 TRY1NG TO F1ND HUM4N FOOD REC1P3S. 1 C4N T3LL YOU WH1CH ON3S H3 DIDN’T TRY TO PO1SON.

DAVE: thanks. id like that

KARKAT pouts over watching DAVE and TEREZI grow closer. ROSE finally finishes off the experiment, standing over its corpse with pride

ROSE: Whew. That was fun. Can we start the party now?

VRISKA: Hell yeah!

ROSE heads over to the refreshments table and looks over all the snacks

ROSE: (READING OFF THE LABELS) “Boiled duck embryo?” “Deep-fried tarantulas?” “Fermented salmon head??” This is the food you found on the internet? What on Earth did you search for?

KARKAT: GROSS HUMAN FOOD.

ROSE: The word “gross” was actually in your search?

KARKAT: DUH. THERE'S NO WAY HUMAN FOOD IS SUPERIOR TO ALTERNIAN CUISINE, LET ALONE DELICIOUS IN ANY WAY. IT'S LIKE COMPARING YOUR DUMB HUMAN MUSIC TO ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY. AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING, BECAUSE ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY IS ESSENTIALLY THE DUMPSTER FIRE OF LYRICAL ENTERTAINMENT.

DAVE: whoa whoa whoa. stop the train. whats “alternian slam poetry?” is it like rap?

KARKAT: RAP? WHAT THE BULGE-FESTERING FUCK IS THAT?

DAVE: (PULLS OUT IPHONE AND EARBUDS) here. listen to this

While KARKAT listens to DAVE'S rap music, ROSE is still at the refreshment table, looking at a set of drinks in martini glasses

ROSE: (PICKING ONE UP) What are these?

VRISKA: An Alternian 8everage reserved for only the most elite 8lood castes. We call them... Martinis.

ROSE stares at it quizzically, then shrugs and chugs the whole glass

ROSE: Ohhh, that's the stuff. (SHE GRABS MORE GLASSES AND WALKS OFF) I'll just be having a few more of these.

Meanwhile, KARKAT has just finished listening to DAVE'S rap music. He rips the earbuds out of his ears and shoves them back at DAVE

KARKAT: GOOD GOD! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! YOU SERIOUSLY CALL THAT NOOK-CURDLING CRAP MUSIC?

DAVE: what?? dude that was fucking tupac! what the hell is wrong with you?

KARKAT: SORRY NOT SORRY, DAVE. ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY MAY BE TRASH, BUT IT'S STILL LESS TRASHY THAN YOUR DUMB “TWO-PACK.”

DAVE: thats it! you and me! rap-off! right now!

KARKAT: FINE. IF IT'LL GET YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The two of them square off with each other, about to drop some sick rhymes. ROSE, TEREZI, KANAYA, and VRISKA all gather around to watch. ROSE is already completely blitzed

ROSE: Whadda fuck's goin on here?

TEREZI: D4V3 4ND K4RK4T 4R3 4BOUT TO H4V3 4 R4P-OFF

ROSE: Ha! Dave'll kick his ass!

KANAYA: You Dont Understand. Karkat May Think Alternian Slam Poetry Is Garbage But That Doesnt Mean He Doesnt Know How To As Dave Would Put It “Bust A Sick Rhyme.”

ROSE: You mean...

KANAYA: Daves Odds Of Winning Are The Same As The Odds Of Vriska Going One Day Without Saying Anything Mean Or Kissing Her Nicolas Cage Poster

As KANAYA says her line, KARKAT slowly puts on a pair of wicked shades

KARKAT: A'IGHT, CHECK IT...

They then proceeded to have one of the most epic and one-sided rap-offs in the history of Paradox Space

END OF ACT TWO


	4. Act Three

ACT THREE

 

SCENE H: COMPUTER ROOM – AFTERNOON?

KARKAT and DAVE are just finishing their rap-off. ROSE is even more sloshed now

KARKAT: WORD, MOTHERFUCKER!

DAVE is visibly stunned by KARKAT'S performance

KARKAT (CONT.): HA! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, STRIDER? (BEAT) DAVE? UH... YOU OKAY?

DAVE: (A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN FROM BEHIND HIS SHADES) that was beautiful man

KARKAT: THE FUCK?

DAVE: those rhymes... ive never heard anything like them before! karkat i hate to say it but... you are... cool

KARKAT: DAVE, YOU'RE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

VRISKA: (TO THE MAYOR) Wow. I wasn't expecting that. What a8out you, guy?

The MAYOR shrugs

VRISKA (CONT.): You don't talk much, do ya?

The MAYOR simply shakes his head. KANAYA walks up to VRISKA holding a plate of black pudding and a Snogfoot, which is just one of Travros's feet from his old legs

KANAYA: Im Going To Do It

VRISKA: Do what?

KANAYA: Im Going To Kiss Rose. I Have The Snogfoot Ready And Im Going to Do It

DAVE: (WALKS OVER TO THEM) what are you two talking about?

KANAYA: Nothing. Dave Could You Please Hold This

She hands him her black pudding

DAVE: what is it?

KANAYA: One Of The Human Foods We Found. I Think Its Called Black Pudding. Excuse Me

She leaves to find ROSE

DAVE: what?? theres been pudding here this whole time and i havent been notified until now??

VRISKA: Dave, that's 8lack pudding.

DAVE: pssht. i dont care. i love dark chocolate

He takes a giant bite of it

VRISKA: 8lack pudding isn't dark chocolate. It's...

 

DAVE: (VOMITS ON THE SPOT) sweet mother of holy hell what foul dark magic is this shit made of??

VRISKA: Pig's 8lood mostly.

 

DAVE: (PUKES AGAIN) ohh i gotta get the fuck outta here

TEREZI: 1'LL T4K3 YOU B4CK TO YOUR BLOCK

DAVE puts his arm around TEREZI as she leads him away. Meanwhile, KANAYA approaches the very drunk ROSE

KANAYA: (NERVOUSLY) Hello Rose

ROSE: Heeey, Papaya! (SHE NOTICES THE SNOGFOOT) Why you got a foot witchu?

KANAYA: Oh Its Called Snogfoot. It Used To Belong To Tavros. I Would Have Alchemized A Fresh Foot To Use But You Wouldnt Believe How Complicated It Is To Create A Simple Foot

ROSE: (LAUGHS DRUNKENLY) Papaya, thass hilarious! Alpamizing a foot! Sooo, what do you do with Snugfoot?

KANAYA: Well I Believe The Closest Thing Resembling It In Human Culture Would Be Mistletoe

ROSE: Whoa, wait. Are we gonna hafta--

VRISKA: (INTERRUPTS THEM) Heeeeeeeey, girls. Whatcha got there, Kanaya?

KANAYA: Vriska What Are You--

VRISKA: No way! Is that Snogfoot? Welp, you know what we gotta do next. C'mere, Rosie!

She kisses ROSE passionately while KANAYA stares at them with a mixture of shock, rage, and hurt. When they're done, ROSE throws up on the floor

ROSE: Sorry. That wasn't cuzza you. Twas da boooooze.

KARKAT: (WALKS UP TO THEM) HEY, HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN TEREZI?

VRISKA: Not since she went to walk Dave 8ack to his 8lock.

KARKAT: (BEAT) I'M GOING TO GO FIND HER.

He transportalizes away to go find TEREZI

SCENE I: HALLWAY – NIGHT?

KARKAT walks through the hall trying to find TEREZI

KARKAT: TEREZI? WHERE ARE YOU? COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE.

He hears muffled moaning coming from a nearby closet

KARKAT (CONT.): TEREZI? (HE OPENS THE DOOR) ARE YOU-- OH MY GOD!!!

DAVE and TEREZI are making out in the closet. They stop for a moment

DAVE: sorry about the puke breath

TEREZI: 1T'S OK4Y. YOUR TONGU3 T4ST3S JUST L1K3 STR4B3RRY 1C3 CR34M

DAVE: you really are some kind of messed up

KARKAT: OH, MY GOD...

They notice KARKAT

TEREZI: WH4T TH3? K4RK4T?? G3T TH3 FUCK OUT OF H3R3, YOU P3RV!

KARAKT: I, UH... I WAS JUST, UH... OH, MY FUCKING GOD...

He quickly closes the door and heads back down the hall

KARKAT (CONT.): OH, MY GOD...

 

SCENE J: KARKAT'S BEDROOM – THE NEXT NIGHT?

KARKAT is typing up a new memo in his KARKAT'S LOG board

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board KARKAT'S LOG

CCG: AFTER A WEEK OF BARELY INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER, TROLLS AND HUMANS HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER. IN FACT, WE ALL LIKE EACH OTHER NOW FOR THE MOST PART. THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM.

CCG: I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD.

CCG: I SWEAR, IF I COULD TRAVEL BACK IN TIME JUST ONCE, I WOULD GO BACK TO THE MOMENT VRISKA SUGGESTED WE THROW THE HUMANS A WELCOME PARTY AND GIVE HER A GOOD, EGBERT-ESQUE PUNCH TO THE THINK PAN. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HER ADVICE.

PAST carcinoGeneticist 6:12 HOURS AGO responded to memo.

PCG: TOLD YOU.

CCG: OH, FUCK OFF!

CCG banned PCG from responding to memo.

Intercut with...

SCENE K: CENTRAL TRANSPORTALIZER HUB – NIGHT?

KANAYA is walking glumly to the computer room Transportalizer

CCG: BUT YEAH. OTHER THAN THE INCIDENT WHICH WE WILL NOT SPEAK OF *EVER* AGAIN, THINGS HAVE BEEN GOOD.

KANAYA transportalizes to the computer room

SCENE L: COMPUTER ROOM – NIGHT?

KANAYA enters via Transportalizer. ROSE is busy rolling out a fancy carpet

KANAYA: Whats This?

ROSE: Hm? Oh, I just thought that this room was looking kind of bland. Plus, it covers up the spot where I threw up. It's a lovely touch, don't you think?

KANAYA: (SMILING) Yes I Do

ROSE: By the way, there was something I needed to ask you. I was... Pretty drunk last night. Did Vriska kiss me at some point?

KANAYA: Well... Yes

ROSE: Heh. It's funny. For a moment there, I thought we were going to kiss.

KANAYA: Yeah. (TO HERSELF) Me Too

 

And we return to...

 

SCENE M: KARKAT'S BEDROOM – NIGHT?

KARKAT is still typing up his memo

CCG: IT SEEMS WEIRD TO SAY, BUT, IN SOME WAY, I'M GLAD THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING SO WELL.

CCG: I MEAN, SURE, THE WHOLE DAVE AND TEREZI THING IS... ANNOYING, BUT COME ON. THERE'S NO WAY THAT SHIT STORM OF A MATESPRITSHIP WILL LAST.

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3 MONTHS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

CCG: WHOA, WAIT, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? MY FUTURE SELF IS RESPONDING TO ONE OF MY MEMOS, AND HE'S *ACTUALLY SAYING SOMETHING USEFUL?* I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A MYTH! THIS IS MORE UNBELIEVABLE THAN BIGFOOT BECOMING BEST FRIENDS WITH JESUS!

CCG: MORE UNBELIEVABLE THAN IF SOLLUX WENT OUT ON A DATE WITH ERIDAN OF HIS OWN FREE WILL!

CCG: MORE UNBELIEVABLE THAN... I DON'T KNOW. I'M OUT OF UNBELIEVABLE THINGS TO SAY.

FCG: THANK GOD.

CCG: SO, DAVE AND TEREZI DON'T LAST? GREAT!

FCG: YEAH, BUT DON'T GET TOO EXCITED. YOU AND TEREZI DON'T GET TOGETHER.

CCG: OKAY, THE UNBELIEVABLENESS IS OVER. PREPARE TO BE BANNED.

FCG: WAIT! YOU DO END UP WITH SOMEONE IN THE FUTURE, AND, TRUST ME, YOU'RE A LOT HAPPIER THAN YOU WOULD BE IF YOU AND TEREZI STARTED DATING.

CCG: GREAT! ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN TELL ME?

FCG: JUST...

FCG: TRY AND BE NICER TO DAVE.

CCG: HA! WHAT DO YOU KNOW? MY FUTURE SELF HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR! OKAY, I'M BORED WITH YOU NOW, SO...

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo

CCG: WELL, IT'S PRETTY LATE NOW, SO I THINK I'LL GO TO BED.

CCG: UNTIL NEXT TIME, I GUESS.

CCG closed memo

KARKAT closes his laptop and lays down to go to sleep. After a beat, DAVE is heard screaming in his sleep in the next room.

KARKAT: FUCKDAMMIT!

END OF ACT THREE


End file.
